Cleaning, Cooking, and Creating...

  

 

 

 

 

Bad Art Happens

"Stacks of unfinished artwork -- STUCK"

Over the summer I took an inspirational online painting class with Flora Bowley called Bloom True. I have a juicy post all about my experience for later. But, at some point in the class I became deadlocked. I really didn't know what colors or imagery to commit to, or if it had a big idea. The very insensitive sensor popped into my head... "what the heck are you doing, you're not an artist?" "this isn't art!" "the other people in the class are "actual" artists." " Give up already!!" After listening to this noise for a day, I sat down with my journal to silence my enemy. I immediately fell into a spiraling trance of writing, regurgitating all the crazy, negative thoughts flying around in my head. I wrote page after page until... I wrote in large print "I'm allowed to make BAD ART." I wrote it over and over and over until I really got it.

And what I really learned about myself in that moment is I suffer from that false idea of perfectionism. Never in my life have I ever considered myself as a perfectionist. My house isn't spotless, it appears I live out of my car, and my classroom looks like 700 kids blow through like a tornado every week. (because they do)  I've even gone far enough to say I don't believe in perfection, which I don't. When it comes to art, I feel like not being at the level artistically, I feel I should be, keeps me stuck. It keeps me locked in an artistic vault, because it should look a certain way. But, no more. I am dedicated to creating artwork with wild abandon, with no expectations and no attachments.

"You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have."
                                                                                        - Maya Angelou

The Art Teacher Syndrome

There is an epidemic spreading across the creative world. I like to refer to it as "THE ART TEACHER SYNDROME." Teachers being absorbed solely with the creativity they share with their students, and neglecting their own art.

I am guilty. At first, it starts out of necessity, spending endless hours developing your unique curriculum and setting the tone to your classroom environment. All the while, you are optimistically thinking in the back of your mind, "I'll get back to it when things settle down." Then, you begin to figure out this teacher gig and decide it's time to set the bar higher. So you do. You spend nights and weekends creating displays of students' artwork, developing sets and bulletin boards, and creating random "things" for sometimes ungrateful staff members. Eventually, this begins to wear on you and you get a little bitter because you feel taken advantage of . So you stop, and realize you can't remember the last time you created anything for the pure authentic joy of creating. Finally, you sit down at your easel and you are lost... lost in fear, lost in self-doubt, and lost in who you really are. So, you don't do it again, because you feel like a fake and a phony. And you sink back into the art teacher routine.

I feel like I've hidden behind the title of art teacher. I've chosen to live a small, comfy, cozy life. It's not really a bad place, it's very safe. But, not having a personal creative habit is not fulfilling or authentic.

In the fight to eradicate ATS (Art Teacher Syndrome), I'm challenging myself to establish a creative habit by creating 3 days a week and documenting it here on "filling in the gap."

Intentions

I intend to develop a creative habit that has nothing to do with school.

I intend to share my artwork with the world.

I intend to re - discover my own unique style.

I intend to continue my work in self - discovery.

I intend to continue to learn.

Live in the Leap

Being an art teacher for nine years to hundreds of small kids has been an amazing life filled with an abundance of creativity, imagination, and an overwhelming amount of messes. It has brought me pure joy watching kids have "AHA" moments and beam with "PRIDE" from the creative process. And teaching has made me want to pull out all my hair, bang my head against the wall, and curl up in the fetal position, especially when I have 38 out of control kindergarteners in the art room. Some people may find that last fact scary, but nothing is more frightening to me than exposing my artwork to the world.

This vulnerability is like giving a speech to all my peers and being so wrapped up in my fear of public speaking, I forget even a stitch of clothing. Just the thought makes my blood pressure increase and my core temperature rise to a level which radiates in red blotches from head to toe. Sharing my artwork is like exposing my deepest, darkest hidden secrets that I really can't even express in words. It's torture sharing my sacred creations with people who just don't get it.

Now is the time for change, the time to fill in the gap. Now is the time to become vulnerable to the world and embrace my dreams. I've worked really hard to ditch those junk insecurities and to step into the arena. Thanks to Brene' Brown and Don Miguel Ruiz.

 Taking the LEAP...

The Gap

The inspiration for this blog...

"Nobody tells this to people who are beginners. I wish someone had told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple of years you make stuff, it's just not that good. It's trying to be good, it has potential, but it's not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase; they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn't have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know that it's normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you finish one piece. It's only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this anyone I've ever met. It's gonna take awhile. It's normal to take awhile. You just gotta fight your way through."

                                                                                                   - Ira Glass

                                                                                                                        ...time to get to work.